if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.