How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?