4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath