Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
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Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My wife has the worst taste in men.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Just as the prophecy foretold
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why