I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.
So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
this website is absolutely destroying me
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[waking up after car crash]
Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”