@GrumpyBahr

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

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@darrinfb

I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.

So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.

@DontTouchMyWine

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

@david8hughes

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

@HomeWithPeanut

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

@decentbirthday

[waking up after car crash]

Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes

@Browtweaten

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

@PinkCamoTO

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

@pixelatedboat

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”