Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.