@Petote

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

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@PeachyPixel8

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

@fro_vo

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

@ClichedOut

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

@seanforhire

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

@mamapjs1

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

@aissalanis

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

@max_pad21

My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash