Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash