@CantWaitToNap

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

You Might Also Like

@DurtMcHurtt

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

@tat2dsoccermom

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.

@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@Ideal_Victoria

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

@Kyle_Lippert

Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don’t jump right in.

Heart: CANNONBALL!!!