Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
where the womens at?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet