Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol