A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.