Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.

My husband:

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If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.


Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch


I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.


[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I’m a bit of a grammar freak.

“Can you explain?”

I don’t know, CAN I?


When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!


i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports


<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!


Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.


Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?


H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.