If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I want minions for Christmas.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“Tell me about yourself.”
I’m a bit of a grammar freak.
“Can you explain?”
I don’t know, CAN I?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?
H:-“Because you need to”
His funeral takes place next week.