Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.

My husband:

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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?


Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.


3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.


Me: I got you these

Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?

Me: Well you said I never buy you flours


I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.


Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same


“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”


Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time


Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho


[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd