A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
You Might Also Like
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?