Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.