Hello, darkness…my old friend.
HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.
Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*