Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!