@murrman5

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

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@acakes421

Me:
Hello, darkness…my old friend.

Darkness:
HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.

@KarenKilgariff

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

@carebear4647

No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.

@AndreyasAsylum

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

@lizetagge

Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…

@hurlarious

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@iGreenMonk

Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@JessicaVarsity

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*