Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I like crazy people until they notice me
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Why font matters.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven