‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords