Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
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Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that