“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
You Might Also Like
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
monday
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
i will not be silenced
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news