You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.