@Almighty_Smoot

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool

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@House_Feminist

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

@PinkCamoTO

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

@junejuly12

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

@BoomBoomBetty

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

@perfect_boxx

I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.

I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.

@brynnester

[Day 1 Of Lockdown]

Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?

Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s

Wife:

Me: I ate everything else already

@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

@daemonic3

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.