@Almighty_Smoot: Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
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@ibid78: [therapist] what seems to be the problem? [her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It's awful [me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle
@MissSassy_Pants: Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich] 6yo: Mommmm! Don't eat my lunch! Me: [giggles] I'm just testing it first to make sure there's no poison! 6yo: yeah ri- Me: [collapses]
@Michael1979: If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
@michelleDbelle: My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.