Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
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5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.
I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.
[Day 1 Of Lockdown]
Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?
Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s
Me: I ate everything else already
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.