I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.