Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
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I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
How to make infinite energy.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I think the cat got the dog high.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.