Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
You Might Also Like
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Not today.. 😂
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*