Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.


Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.


The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.


Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die


[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”


Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they’re like “Yeah, you haven’t got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.”


That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.


Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled


saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-culturally poignant


I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”