@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

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@jlock17

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

@mommajessiec

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

@jwoodham

The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.

@thedad

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

@LaLuchaNix

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

@itsthatAsh

Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they’re like “Yeah, you haven’t got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.”

@thatUPSdude

That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.

@OtherDanOBrien

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

@sarahlostctrl

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

@flamingo_poet

I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”