@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

@skedaddle74

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

@ericsshadow

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

@flashember

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

@junejuly12

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

@MOONEM0Jl

aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors