Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

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Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”


The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.


6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open


DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS


I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.


aliens probably ride pass earth and lock their doors