Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
When ur friends with white people
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on