@Kendragarden

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

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@ianpauldukes

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

@liv_thatsme

I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.

@MartaEffing

I’m sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?

@FrazzleMyGimp

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

@thetruealban

Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge

@DarzieDAMN

My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know

@jaboukie

me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007