You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
You Might Also Like
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
this is what they would have looked like, though
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.