@Manda_like_wine

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

- @Manda_like_wine

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@TheMichaelRock

6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!

Me: Adults don’t get snow days.

6yo *faints*

@junejuly12

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking
Me: but why?
D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose

@ShoutingGoddess

One day we’ll open Twitter & it’ll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

@pakalupapito

dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows

@LoveNLunchmeat

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off