Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
the three branches of government
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!