Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
You Might Also Like
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
$4 #usedbooks
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers