Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

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Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?


This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.


Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs


If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.


The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.


If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.


The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.


I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.


Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.