@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

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@KoKeniSasquatch

Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?

@TheAlexNevil

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@donni

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

@Angibangie

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

@Sanbel11

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@alexandraerin

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

@__candypants

I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.

@ksujulie

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.