Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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Worst perfume name ever.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard