8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
He’s just not into EU
If asked ‘Whats up?’ respond ‘An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man’ then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons
I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”