@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

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@MumInBits

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

@3sunzzz

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@AnOrangeSNES

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

@skullpuppy11

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

@Kyle_Lippert

If asked ‘Whats up?’ respond ‘An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man’ then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons

@BeCoco77

I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”