Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood