Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
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HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Self-cleaning conscience
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how