Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
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if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.