Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
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listen closely
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.