@KyleMcDowell86

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

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@ProdigyNelson

[aquarium]
Me: “That’s a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank.”
Guide: “it’s octopi.”
Me: “Oh..that’s a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank.”

@9GAG

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

@SarahB_D

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

@MableGertrude

Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.

@AlexRogaski

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

@mom_tho

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

@notalogin

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

@ohen39

me: I’m gonna spend valentine’s day alone
doctor: no you’re not
me: *blushing* are you asking me out?
doctor: no. you’re dying

@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

@TheTimmyToes

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years