SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
You Might Also Like
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport