@QwertyJones3

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

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@thatUPSdude

Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.

@robfee

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

@NotthatAdamWest

Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.

@junejuly12

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

@CourtRundell

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

@ozzyunc

The Rubik’s Cube’s already solved when you buy it so there’s really no reason to touch it.

@MarfSalvador

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

@novicefather

Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.