Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Lol
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.