Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
They’re called werewolves.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying