Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
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just gave your address to some spiders
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*