@DaddyJew

Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention

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@KevinFarzad

People are often shocked when I tell them I’m single because I scream it at them while sliding open their shower curtain.

@Cryptoterra

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

@WheelTod

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@seamusmckracken

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

@murrman5

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

@DaddyJew

Me: stop playing with your food

Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?

M: touch?

@Marlebean

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

@Joshsweat52

Rihanna: You can stand under my umbrella

CDC: No don’t do that. Stand six feet away.

Rihanna: Under my umbrella

CDC: Correct. Don’t stand there.

Rihanna: Ella ella eh eh eh

CDC: Ok wtf is even happening rn