Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable