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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Growing out my freckles.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir