I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.
I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He’s so boring!
Don’t worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted
*pulls out seven layer dip*
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks