@brianbowman73

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

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@2tickytacky

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

@Eye_Of_Madara

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

@Jandalize

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

@treydayway

Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.

@HeyZeus666

I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.

@thenatewolf

Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He’s so boring!

Don’t worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted

*pulls out seven layer dip*

@MaraWilson

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

@ikasliwal

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks