Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
We’re all getting idioter.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
awesome draft from months ago i just found
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.