Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
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I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.