Sorry I shot your SUV but it’s deer season, I saw the antlers and I panicked.

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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?


My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.


This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit


An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.


Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?


if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it


[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.


“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds