I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
The booster protects against what, now?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?