@TheMichaelRock

Sorry I shot your SUV but it’s deer season, I saw the antlers and I panicked.

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@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

@ArfMeasures

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

@_breannuh

This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit

@TheMichaelRock

An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

@maebemarbles

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

@Lowenaffchen

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds