“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.