wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
*puts hand in my mouth*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If a guy spread rose petals all over my apartment, I would literally look at him and just be like:
“I’m not picking this up.”