@djdarrellripley

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

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@funflaps

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

@TheWoodenslurpy

To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.

@omically

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

@Spaziotwat

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

@Darlainky

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

@SortaBad

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

@NicestHippo

Two ads? IN A ROW? On this website that gives me access to all the music ever made? I won’t stand for it

@Prero22

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

@rose24_em

If a guy spread rose petals all over my apartment, I would literally look at him and just be like:
“I’m not picking this up.”