Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!


*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on


1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time

2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare


As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”


Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.


I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?


You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha


When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time


Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.


My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.