Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
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Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
#NoRestForTheWicked
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow