[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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[naming our daughter]
wife: i love the name anna
me: i love soft french cheeses.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ???? ???? ???? *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Just overheard my daughter’s friend say “when your mom tries to be cool…” I didn’t hear the rest, but it was probably “…she succeeds”.
“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”
*pours heart out*
Weigh me now
If you are under 18 years old please Unfollow me, I have underwear older than you.
Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.