Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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For the ones in the back.
#merica
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory