Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

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[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment


[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?


Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ???? ???? ???? *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three


me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not


I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.


Just overheard my daughter’s friend say “when your mom tries to be cool…” I didn’t hear the rest, but it was probably “…she succeeds”.


“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”


If you are under 18 years old please Unfollow me, I have underwear older than you.


Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.