I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
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Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws