[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
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They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I put the mess in domestic.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
worst…sale…ever
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.