Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

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The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.


*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*



Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.


I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow


[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before


If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.


When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.


I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.


I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.