You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
the only way Kong can stop Godzilla is by finding his old tweets
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Don’t you love it when you order salt at McDonald’s and you accidentally get some fries!
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West