Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.


ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no


You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.


Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.


Don’t you love it when you order salt at McDonald’s and you accidentally get some fries!