@ANNIEwayyyy

Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

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@joeljeffrey

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

@sophielou

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

@thatdutchperson

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@lisasopinions

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

@BubblesnBooze

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

@salamingia

Don’t you love it when you order salt at McDonald’s and you accidentally get some fries!