Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

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Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened


Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one


Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.


In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.


cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice


Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!


Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…


Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.


Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.


I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.