@ANNIEwayyyy

Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.

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@ApocalypticLoFi

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

@JediGigi

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

@daplusk

Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $7.30 in change.

@CArmanthegirl

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

@Home_Halfway

[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before

@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

@howe007

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

@kelkulus

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.