@ANNIEwayyyy: Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.
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@rockymomax: [in bed] HER: talk dirty to me ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway HER: I meant- ME: I use a rat as a loofa
@ExcuseMyTweets: The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. - Pets
@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell] Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA" Me - "um...ok?" [Satan checks list] "Is your name Garfield?" "No" "Huh. List says Garfield"
@jwoodham: What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.