Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
The symmetry is uncanny.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️