Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”